I am torturing myself and doing what I usually do when I am depressed and play my sad deployment songs, look through old photographs and play the video I made of us.
No tears.
I go through phases. One month I can cry a freakin' river .. The next I am dried out. Maybe I am not meant to cry. I am not meant to be sad. R&R is so freakin' soon. Why cry? Why be sad? There is no reason to be. We have our reunion so soon. Our turn is almost here. What the hell, Sarah. Cheer the eff' up. It should be all smiles and giddyness rather than depressing songs and trying to cry. What's the deal.
It has been eight months since I have felt your touch. Felt your kiss, felt your arms around me, felt that drop of my heart each and every time I look into your gorgeous blue eyes and fall even more deeply in love with you. Can I have that? Tomorrow? Please. I am begging for it. It's all I want, all I daydream about. I can't sleep. I sit on the couch with the boys and just lay there. Dreaming of our reunion in that airport. Will I run to you? Or just walk. Jump and wrap my legs around you .. Hold on to you and just never ever let go.
My heart hurts.
You know that feeling? Where it just honestly aches. It longs for just that feeling. I will take a simple hand hold. Let me wrap my arm around your arm, walk right next to each other. I don't care. I want anything. A kiss on the forehead. On the cheek.
I want to feel you again.
There have been too many close calls. I need that reassurance that you are okay. That you will be home to me. Safe and sound. That this deployment is just like the last. That we will get through it. It's only R&R. Not the end. Not quite yet. But having you home for those two weeks .. Means that you are safe and sound.
It's been tough baby. This deployment has just tried to tear us both down. You know it as well. I am staying as strong as I can be. I stay strong for you. You keep me going .. Each and every day. I couldn't do it without your strength. Your courage. Your love. It's what makes me know that tomorrow is another day .. Another day closer to our reunion. I have no doubt. I have all the faith in the world in you that you will keep your promises to me.
No doubt at all.
I just .. Miss you.
That's all.
The nights are always the hardest. Tomorrow will be a new day. One day closer.
I'm going to go cuddle with our boys now .. Until you're home again to be my snoogle partner.
I love you.
Forever.
Keep your promises.
Keep safe and hurry home, Soldier.
"I won't make a promise I know I can't keep"
Forever yours.
I will always be with you.
Always.
Until next time ...
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